Sometimes relationships can seem like a lot of work until you sit back
and realize just how much you've been given. A thriving, healthy relationship
is absolutely within your reach if you willing to do a bit of work. Here's how
to start building the relationship of your choice.
1.
Choose carefully
Marriage is perhaps the biggest decision any of us make. The
elder view: Many people are simply not careful enough. Don't falls or drift
into marriage without waiting until you know one another and you understand
your reasons for getting married. Avoid making a commitment based on passion,
emotion or panic at being left single.
2.
Keep an eye out for anger
Our parents had trouble saying exactly what you should look
for in a possible mate, but they are clear on who to avoid: Someone with bursts
of unreasonable and disproportionate anger, even if it's not directed toward you. Many of our parent whose relationships failed say that they ignored a
partner's uncontrollable anger toward others, only to find it directed toward
them later on.
3.
Friendship is as important as romantic love
Most of our parents recommend that we should marry someone
who is also our good friend, who we enjoy being with. As one elder put it,
"Your mate should be that kid you would have most wanted to play with on
the playground, school e.t.c."
4.
Don't keep score
Relationship is a give-and-take proposition, and sometimes
circumstances will call for one partner to give more than the other. Happy
courtships don't expect things to balance out every day (or month, or year).
They understand that at times you may be giving 90 percent and receiving 10
percent; other times your partner is in that role, so its reciprocates.
5.
Talk to each other
Communication is absolutely the key to keeping a relationship
on the right track. The elders say that the "strong silent type" may
be attractive and mysterious, but if he or she stays silent about important
issues, the relationship is probably doomed.
6.
Be polite
In long term relationship, people have learned the value of
simple politeness. They point out that we often talk to our spouses in ways
we'd never talk to friends or co-workers: insultingly or disrespectfully.
Simple politeness in spousal interaction, they say, can prevent many a spat
(quarrel) or tiff (a petty quarrel).
7.
Don't think you can change them
Many people take a leap of faith, assuming they can change a
partner's bad behaviours after marriage. The elders basically think those
people are idiots. Elder wisdom says that “getting into a marriage with the
goal of changing one's partner is a fool's errand”, one that will doom the
relationship from the start. If she's always late or if he drinks a little too
much, be sure you can accept it for a lifetime.
8.
Find someone a lot like you
Although we often say that opposites attract, over time
fundamental differences can wear on a relationship. The elders also say that “you
can have differences in backgrounds, but truly necessary are shared values”.
Check early on if your values on core issues (think money, sex, kids, religion,
and work) are closely aligned.
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