Many women have a hard time saying,
“No.” This is true regardless of whether we’re talking about saying no to
their boss, co-worker, lover or friend. The struggle happens for
countless reasons.
Women worry about being seen as mean, getting into an
argument, losing a relationship, upsetting someone or even losing a job.
In response to these fears women often end up saying yes when they want to say
no, over-accommodating or placating the people in their lives.
It is a short walk from over-accommodating to the eventual loss of self.
Saying no is vital to relationships. If we can’t say no, then our yes is not a yes—instead it becomes a begrudging “have to.” As you can imagine, the constant yeses eventually lead to a lot of resentment, possible depression and likely unhappiness. Almost always agreeing to things -- in relationships and in life -- comes at a high cost to the self. Healthy relationships require a healthy, “No.”
Below are five tips to help you strengthen your self-care muscles and your ability to say, “No,” when you need to:
1. Take space before you answer.
When someone
asks you to do something, get into the habit of buying yourself some
time. Women often say yes out of habit, so you have to slow down that
knee-jerk reaction of agreement. Simply say, “Oh, let me look at my
schedule and I’ll get back to you.” Or, “Hmmm, I’m not sure I can do
that.
Let me think about it and I’ll call you tomorrow.” If possible, give yourself 24 hours before responding.
2. Share your dilemma. If you’re being asked to do too many things or if one thing is going to make another thing difficult, hand the dilemma to the other person.
If it’s another project at work,
for example, say to your boss, “No problem, but which would you like done
first? I could do one today and the other one could be done by tomorrow
afternoon.” If your friend wants you to help her write her resume, but
you have the kids, for example, you could say, “I’d be happy to help write your
resume, however I would need your help watching my kids while I’m working on
it.”
3. Lead with a gift and end with a gentle, “No.” Learn to say no without guilt, resentment or upset by leading with a positive statement. For example, “I’m so sorry. I really want to help you, but now’s just not a good time.” Or, “As much as I want to be able to say yes, I really can’t today.”
4. Be honest about your struggle. For those people close to you, it’s usually helpful to simply be honest with them.
Tell them that you’re working on saying more no’s because you’ve really been
burned out and unhappy. You could give them a warning ahead of time that
you will be saying more no’s and would appreciate their support. When
they ask you for something that you know you shouldn’t do, remind them that
you’re working on saying no’s and that you wish you could help them, but
can’t.
5. Breathe and pat yourself on the back. When you’re able to say no, pat yourself on the back and be proud. Take in that feeling of strength. If you feel bad, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your no is a great thing for your relationships and for you. Take another one and remind yourself that you will be ok.
It is a short walk from over-accommodating to the eventual loss of self.
Saying no is vital to relationships. If we can’t say no, then our yes is not a yes—instead it becomes a begrudging “have to.” As you can imagine, the constant yeses eventually lead to a lot of resentment, possible depression and likely unhappiness. Almost always agreeing to things -- in relationships and in life -- comes at a high cost to the self. Healthy relationships require a healthy, “No.”
Below are five tips to help you strengthen your self-care muscles and your ability to say, “No,” when you need to:
1. Take space before you answer.
Let me think about it and I’ll call you tomorrow.” If possible, give yourself 24 hours before responding.
2. Share your dilemma. If you’re being asked to do too many things or if one thing is going to make another thing difficult, hand the dilemma to the other person.
3. Lead with a gift and end with a gentle, “No.” Learn to say no without guilt, resentment or upset by leading with a positive statement. For example, “I’m so sorry. I really want to help you, but now’s just not a good time.” Or, “As much as I want to be able to say yes, I really can’t today.”
4. Be honest about your struggle. For those people close to you, it’s usually helpful to simply be honest with them.
5. Breathe and pat yourself on the back. When you’re able to say no, pat yourself on the back and be proud. Take in that feeling of strength. If you feel bad, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your no is a great thing for your relationships and for you. Take another one and remind yourself that you will be ok.
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