Get your facts
right
For me, everyone’s past has at least a story to tell. The story may be about
us directly with actions taken and or behaviours we may have exhibited. Gossips
and rumour mongering are a way of people judging our past which in most cases
is myopic and stupid.
A lot of people who do not have anything better to do with their time and
energy do not do anything but wrap themselves up in other people’s lives as if
they are watching a television drama. Most times it starts as a simple
conversation about other people and then it quickly escalates to discussing
other people’s lives.
Real life scripts are written and acted out by people who don’t even know
anything about you. When it comes to rumours and people gossiping, it’s
important you get your facts right because everyone’s fair game and what goes
around comes around if you’re not careful. Gossip and rumours are as old as
communications and no one is immune. It starts with innuendos and then gets to
the level of deliberate malicious nonsense.
It’s funny the way a lot of people handle issues relating to rumours or
negative stories that reflects on the character or past behaviour of their
partner. People tend to believe the source of a story without verifying whether
the story is true. It is easier to believe a story emanating from one’s very
close friends or one’s immediate family. It doesn’t matter how negative the
story is. In fact the more negative and impossible it sounds, the more
believable it is for a lot of people.
When you are faced with a rumour or gossip as a statement whether said
directly to you, or you overheard from a source you think is credible, the
first thing is to check and verify the facts at your disposal through a direct
discussion with your spouse in a very relaxing and non confrontational way. Don’t
have an approach that sounds as if you already have believed whatever is to be
discussed. Focus on creating an ambiance that will be helpful and encouraging
to meaningful conversation.
Treat the topic in a manner that if you are the person on the other side,
you would be given fair hearing and don’t be judgmental before the issues
involved have been seriously trashed out and a good conclusion would have been
arrived at. This is not saying we should act out of character and pretend that
what is going on may not hurt us. I’m not advocating pretense, but asking that
we should try to understand the other person’s point of view.
I've been privy to a serious situation where a rumour was being spread about
my spouse only for me to find out at the end of the day that the rumour
emanated from a disgruntled friend who wanted to have what my spouse had but couldn't get. It all started from envy and got to a stage that the drama became
a soap opera of sorts.
I've also been involved in a situation recently where someone who wanted to
date me and who didn't have her way started spreading a very malicious gossip
about me and it escalated to a height that at point I couldn't even recognize myself in the story again.
A common mistake people make when treating issues of negative rumours is
that we tend to generally get confrontational when asking our partner questions
pertaining to the veracity of the rumours we may have heard. It’s bad because
been confrontational in our approach already says a lot about our position about
being already biased.
Even when we say otherwise, our actions will definitely give us away and we
would have already lost the advantage of a peaceful and amicable settlement.
Instead of reacting immediately, I will advise that we should admit that nobody
is infallible to ourselves, even if the rumour may end up being true and we
should start working from that point of view of being forgiving so that by the
time we meet and discuss the issues with our spouse, we will be talking from a
position of someone who is mature.
Deflect them
Every man/woman wants to believe the best about his or her partner and
secretly wishes for the perfect partner – an established impossibility! Also,
no one feels good when he/ she hears “things” about his/ her partner from a
third party. In an ideal situation, you should have all vital information about
your partner and as much as possible, nothing any one has to disclose about
your partner should come as a shock to you. So, what should you do if someone
‘downloads’ to you, bad gist or rumours about your spouse?
One would think that a person’s natural reaction to rumours would be to
verify authenticity by having a discussion with the subject of the rumour,
right? Unfortunately, this is not the common reaction, and even those who decide
to discuss the matter with the person involved usually hold a ‘hostile
confrontation’, rather than a civil discussion.
For others, their first step would be to keep the gist from the partner and
carry out an investigation like the FBI or the CIA. For them, it is better to
get concrete evidence so that if the gist is true, the partner would not be
able to deny it. I do not subscribe to any of the two methods (hostile
confrontation or secret investigation).
One must realize that the manner in which you react to negative
stories/rumours about your partner can make or mar your relationship. This
bothers on love and trust. There are many possibilities when it comes to bad
gist. The gist could range from adultery/fornication, 419/financial fraud, to
backbiting against you and your family, secret financial wealth, etc.
Whatever is the case, your partner should be given the benefit of a doubt,
even if the bad gist seems to confirm your personal suspicions. It seems
reasonable to state that if one must hear “bad gist”, let it come from the
partner, either as a confession of wrong done, or as a complaint of ‘false
accusation’.
This way, by the time the partner is getting the gist from a third party, it
will not be surprising/shocking and he/ she would have determined how to react
ahead of time. In any case, I believe that even if something shocking gets to
your ears, it is wise not to take up a judgmental stance.
True love accommodates trash from time to time, and believe me, no human
being will keep dishing out trash if the response he/she keeps getting is love,
love and more love! Please do not misunderstand my position on this; I am not
saying that one should sweep things under the carpet or ignore bad stuff in the
name of love. Absolutely not! Issues must be addressed, but how they are
addressed is key. A good relationship is one where dirty linen can be washed
in-house, no matter how the linen got dirty.
Remember, it would be very difficult to regain the trust of a partner who
has been falsely accused and about whom the bad gist was fabricated, if your
reaction to the gist was hostile confrontation or secret investigation.
If you cannot deflect bad gist in order to protect your relationship, then
you are not ready to have a blissful one. There will always be rumour mongers,
a.k.a “haters” or “bad belle people”, so one must be ready to handle them.
Even in cases where the rumours are no rumours, but true gist, you ought not
to crucify the love of your life. Set your priorities right, and answer this
simple question: “on your scale of preference, who ranks higher; the rumour
bearers or your partner?” So, how should you react to negative stories/rumours
about your partner? Deflect it and sort it out privately!
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